The most obvious form of abuse is physical. It’s visual, making it much easier to spot. But when it comes to emotional abuse, it can be very difficult to spot the signs. Especially when you’re the target.
This type of abuse is a non-physical attempt to mentally harm and manipulate another person. It’s mistreatment on a psychological level through verbal insults, threats and other behaviours that aim to belittle and put down a person, making it easier to control them.
The effects don’t leave physical scars. It’s harder to prove, making it an ideal method for abusers to tip the power balance on their side.
Although this is most often seen in romantic relationships, this could be happening in any of your relationships. From your parents, to a friend, or even a co-worker. Emotional abuse is not only limited to a romantic partner, so it’s good to know what to look for.
Read below some of the common behaviours to look out for when identifying emotional abuse –
Controlling behaviour
Controlling behaviour can be very subtle. It’s not always easy to spot when your partner is being controlling towards you.
There’s an analogy that explains this perfectly. If you were to try and put a frog in a pot of boiling water, they would react immediately and get out of the pot. However, if you were to place the frog in the pot whilst it’s warm with the temperature slowly rising, they are less likely to notice how hot it gets. They wouldn’t notice themself boiling to death until it’s too late.
Although this is an upsetting analogy, it perfectly explains the danger of this abuse. Partners who seek to control their partners do so by trying to dictate their choices. Who they meet, who they spend time with, their finances, their job. It’s easy to dismiss the small signs of controlling behaviour, but it can become a slippery slope to losing control over your life.
Constant Criticism
This is a form of manipulation that deliberately lowers a person’s self-esteem through constant attacks on their character. These are comments that are not constructive, but rather attacks that seek to emotionally harm their partner. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and manipulative criticism – the first one is criticism that is encouraging and comes from a place of understanding, whilst the second is simply an attack that focuses on the negatives with the aim of ridiculing or shaming their partner.
It’s a way for the perpetrator to gain control over their partner as the endless cycle of criticism can severely affect their mental state, planting seeds of doubt and lowering their self-esteem. This makes the partner more likely to try and change for the perpetrator, believing that they are the problem.
Isolation
Similarly to the section on controlling behaviour, this may not be obvious to you at first. Your partner might start to do or say certain things to disrupt your relationships with others. The small jibes could just be taken as your partner looking out for you. They may begin to convince you that you don’t need anybody else. That no one will care about you more than them and that you need to drop the people around you. They may guilt trip you into staying at home with them rather than visiting friends and family, making it difficult for you not to comply.
You may not even remember why you’re not friends with the people you used to be around. This makes it easier to control the isolated target as it’s harder for them to leave.
Walking on eggshells
Having to walk on eggshells is not a great feeling.
When you enter a relationship, it should be one with open communication and freedom. By freedom, we mean the ability to fully be yourself around your partner. You should be comfortable around each other. But if you find yourself constantly tip-toeing around your partner so as to not ‘provoke’ or ‘cause’ them to be upset because of their anger, that is a sign of emotional abuse.
This usually comes from a place of fear over how your partner will respond. You’ll start to watch what you say, watch what you do, and hide parts of yourself in order to avoid facing your partner’s negative reaction or outburst. You’ll begin to lose yourself and feel stressed out due to constantly walking on unstable ground. This form of abuse has many causes, from mental health disorders the perpetrator could suffer from, to low self-esteem causing them to act out, or the desire to control their partner by creating tension.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that aims to make a person confused and doubtful about what they’re experiencing, distorting reality.
It makes you question yourself. Whether how you’re feeling or seeing things is correct or not. The doubt slowly grows, making it difficult to trust how you feel, so instead of listening to yourself, you go with what the perpetrator is claiming to be the truth.
They may start to call you ‘crazy’ or ‘sensitive’ when you talk about how you’re feeling, deny doing or saying things you know they did, or try to twist the way a situation happened.
If you find yourself recognising any of these behaviours in your relationship, please reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional. You are not alone. There is always a way.
If you feel ready, tell us your experiences on our forum and social media. It might just help someone else recognise the signs in their relationship.
