Trauma Of The Family Court And The Legal Process
The effect a divorce and all that comes with it can have on all aspects of your physical, mental, emotional, and psychological health must never be underestimated.
One of the things we at I AM L.I.P have found when speaking to people post-divorce is the detrimental effect the process had on their well-being. And this was with a fair number of them having legal representation where their solicitor and barrister took on the bulk of the stress and pressure. Now imagine what it must be like for a litigant in person (a person who is involved in court proceedings and is not represented by a solicitor or barrister) who has to do all the leg work, the research, and the paperwork themselves.
We do not take lightly what being a litigant in person in the family court can do to a person, so we hope this webpage goes some way in giving you support and making you feel that it is not just you being silly or weak. We suggest that you join our forum, where there are plenty of other people who have been through the same, and you can connect with them.
Divorce trauma can be broken down into three main areas:
1) Pre-divorce – the unhappiness leading up to the divorce
2) Mid-divorce – the stress and worry during the divorce
3) Post-divorce – the aftermath when it finally catches up with you
1) Pre-divorce – the unhappiness leading up to the divorce
Divorce trauma will start long before you and your ex-partner begin the court process of sorting out your divorce, child arrangements and financial settlement.
Whilst still in the relationship, there could be:
- Arguments between you both and within the family
- Fighting
- Emotional instability within the relationship
- Emotional instability at the breakdown of the family,
- Unhappiness at what is going on
- Infidelity – if this is what led to the split
- Betrayal
- Stress at what the future holds and the decisions that need to be made
- Confusion
- Guilt
- Stress and confusion about whether divorcing is the right thing to do,
- Worry
- Stress about the negative aspects of what change will bring,
- Worry about the long-term financial implications of the divorce.
All of the above will start to have a negative affect on your health. On top of that if there has been domestic violence within the marriage/relationship, the following experiences and feelings will further impact your health:
- Violence
- Length of time there has been physical injury
- Abuse geared towards other family members, i.e. children
- Emotional abuse.
- The effect of coercive control.
- Being made to feel useless and stupid.
- Living with prolonged fear
When you finally make the decision to end the marriage/relationship, you will believe the stereotypical view that all the pain/stress will now be lifted because divorce papers have been filed, the courts are involved and freedom is around the corner. However, you suddenly realise this free, unburdened, and ready to get on with the rest of your life feeling that you are waiting for, does not arrive. Instead, for many, entering the next stage – what we have called mid-divorce – brings with it a new cascade of issues that bombard your health on top of the ones mentioned above.
2) Mid-divorce – the stress and worry during the divorce
Although ending the marriage may have been the correct thing to do, the divorce process brings with it a whole host of instability. For many people, being in the midst of the actual divorce is the most unstable period in the whole process. Nothing has been settled, whether it is the arrangements for the children, sorting out the finances, or, all too often, you are waiting and waiting for a hearing date to come through.
It’s not just the court process and all that comes with it; for many people, it’s the prolonged length of time the divorce process can take. It should never be underestimated what putting your body and mind through continued stress for a lengthy period can do, especially when it’s hard to see an end to it all. And for some, it can last up to 5 – 8 years.
Then there is the added health effect of absorbing the pain and stress of more vulnerable members of the family. It will not be just you who is suffering, but you have the guilt of how this is affecting the children.
The health implications of being a litigant in person are enormous.
When you embark upon the divorce process without solicitors, you are indeed entirely on your own. You have to quickly figure out the process, how the courts work and how to do things and all without any legal or procedural knowledge. What will surprise you the most is how little help there actually is out there. This can leave you feeling:
- Alone
- Lost
- Confused
- Helpless and hopeless.
- Scared
- Misunderstood
- Shocked at how upsetting the whole process can be.
Anywhere you turn, you will be told that they are unable to help you or give you legal advice. However, sometimes it’s not even legal advice you need, just something simple as where to send a document or what is the number of a form you need. You will quickly realise that the divorce industry won’t even give you that. Going pillar to post and feeling like no one can help you can be detrimental to your health. These are concentrated shots of stress.
When you are a litigant in person, and the other side is represented.
This is another common scenario that occurs all too often in the family court. A litigant in person going up against a family law firm and barrister will feel like a David and Goliath situation. They will know every law, every rule, how to do things, and fill out forms without even breaking a sweat. This can add more stress to your situation as you are trying your level best to keep up. They know every nasty stunt to pull, all well within their codes of professional conduct. This can leave you feeling:
- Bullied
- Ganged up
- Belittled
Because you are now on the receiving end of:
- Post separation abuse
- Post separation abuse by proxy
- Post separation litigation abuse.
Litigants in person have reported experiencing stress every time they receive a letter or an email from the other side. Eventually over a period of time, and especially if your divorce is acrimonious, these letters and emails can lead to long term physical and mental harm. It is quite common for litigants in person to suffer from PTSD and suffer breakdowns.
3) Post-divorce – the aftermath when it finally catches up with you
Once you are in the realm of post-divorce, it is expected that you are meant to feel happy and throw a divorce party. Why? Because the movies say so and it’s all the rage. Yet somehow you feel the complete opposite because you’ve probably just come out of what felt like a war zone. It is okay to be and feel broken.
You must now not underplay recovery time. Please do not feel guilty for how you are feeling even if you feel like you should not be experiencing the following emotions:
- Guilty
- Made a mistake
- Regret
- Grief
- Mourning
The one thing that will happen without fail is you will get lots of advice. We have listed a few below:
- Move on
- Find someone new
- Stop wallowing in it
- Stop acting like a victim
- Get over it
These statements will be coming from a good place and the individuals saying these statements mean well but it can have a detrimental effect on you. The statements above do not take into account your trauma or the healing time required to recover not only for yourself but also for the children involved. You must not let anyone dictate to you what is the correct length of time needed to heal because to be honest there isn’t one. On top of that, you must not let anyone guilt trip you because everyone is expecting a different mode of behaviour from you than that you need to do for the betterment of you and your children.