Tips To Start Your Life After Divorce
Divorce is a life changing event. During the process of divorce, you have matters to resolve and something to focus on. An end goal. You are busy. But what happens to you when it’s over? What then?
Eventually many people go onto find happiness, peace, new partners, and a new life. But before this, often straight after the divorce, many find themselves lost, scared, lonely, financially less well off, unhappy, and socially less accepted. This is normal. We don’t know how long you will feel this way, but if you focus on the tips below, then over a relatively short period of time, things will start to change for the better.
If however you are feeling great after your divorce and life couldn’t get any better, still have a browse through the tips below so you can remember them when you encounter the rough waters of your post divorce era.
Please also read through the tips below if you have just started your divorce or are in the midst of your divorce in case you want to start making any changes now.
TIPS TO START YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE
TIP 1 – Focus on what you are going to do with your life now and NOT on what your EX-partner is up to.
It is very easy to think about and focus on your ex-partner and what they are up to. After all, you have probably been doing so for many years. They may have moved on with a new partner or their life seems far more interesting than yours whilst you are struggling to move on. Whatever the reason, now is the time to stop thinking about them and focus on you. Divert the energy you spend investigating them on social media or thinking about them onto yourself.
Wake up every morning and tell yourself life is good, you are happy, and a lot of good things are going to happen/are happening to you. Make this your mantra.
With the exception of co-parenting reasons or for any other useful purpose which benefits you, we suggest you forget about your ex-partner and think about yourself.
TIP 2 – Focus on the positives about yourself. Focus on what you have to offer the world.
Now that you are a single free person, look at yourself in the mirror and point out all the positive things in your appearance. What do you like about your appearance? If you wish to improve or alter your appearance so you feel better, go have a hair cut, dye your hair, or start an exercise regime.
Next, list all the positive points about your education, hobbies, habits, and your knowledge. Here, what we am asking you to do is tell yourself, and have at the forefront of your mind, what it is that you bring to the table. It can be anything from cooking great meals, to great conversation, or positivity. Remind yourself of all the things about yourself that make you smile and proud.
TIP 3 – Focus on the positives you want to attract into your new life.
Start thinking about what new positive things you want to come into your life and how you will feel once these new positive things arrive. Ask yourself what you want your life to look like now. If you divert your thoughts and positive energy towards this, you will attract them into your life.
Also, consider who you want in your life. It should be those who make you happy and feel good. Those who give you stress, upset you, or make you feel inadequate need to be either removed from your life or given less importance. You must understand that you can only attract new things into your life if you focus on yourself, surround yourself with positivity, and view yourself and your world with positivity.
TIP 4 – Write a list of goals.
It is now time to direct your life. Dig deep into your mind and bring to the forefront all the things you have wanted to do but previously put on the back burner. Do not feel selfish. Your responsibilities do not mean you should let go of your dreams and aspirations. Write everything that you want down in a list of goals. Your goals page should have three columns –
- What do you want to experience right now, short and long term?
- What do you want your life to look and feel like?
- What do you hope to achieve with your life?
Do not hold back. Think big. Start doing all the things now that you wanted to do but put on hold during your marriage.
TIP 5 – If your old social circle don’t want to know you, then make new friends.
During divorce friends can and often do chose sides. Some may not want to know you because you may not be as financially stable as you once were, or as a divorce person you are not as socially acceptable anymore. You can find yourself quite lonely or shocked at how superficial your world has been. As you start your new life, focus on yourself and making your goals a reality, new people will walk into your life and enrich it. Be open to this and welcome them.
TIP 6 – Think about retraining, reviving an old career, or start a new course.
If you had a career during your marriage and it is still thriving and you are happy, then please skip to tip 7. For those of you who have been left with little money after your divorce, gave up your career during your marriage, or simple want a new lease of life, then think about following this tip. If you have a degree, you could start teacher training, or you could perhaps update your original skills with a refresher course followed by a next level course. You could also start to train in a completely new field. There are many resources online which could help you kickstart or revamp your career where courses are available for free. This will occupy your time, give new people a chance to meet you, and keep your brain focused on a new goal.
TIP 7 – Combat loneliness. You can!
There are many ways to combat loneliness. What you need is company. You could try getting a new pet as animals provide magnificent company. If you are looking for human company, then there are many ways to bring people into your life. All you have to do is put yourself out there, and give people a chance to meet you –
- Start saying ‘yes’ to invitations.
- Join a gym near your home.
- Volunteer at your local church group or youth centre.
- Volunteer at a soup kitchen.
- Go to events you are interested in.
- Join clubs.
- Sign up to classes.
TIP 8 – Get rid of boredom by living life and not just surviving.
Loneliness and boredom are two different things. Tip 7 above will help you combat loneliness, but even if you are surrounded by people you can still be bored with your life. To alleviate your boredom, you can do the following –
Immediately start doing things that capture your interest including spending more time with people that keep your mind engaged and happy. If you know what these things are, then start acting on them. If you don’t know what these things are, or no one in your life engages your brain and captures your interest, then you need to start your mission, ‘Capture my interest’. You will need to agree to change, try new things, and create a new lifestyle. When you go to the supermarket, try new foods, buy different things to stimulate your taste buds. Here are some more examples –
- If you go to a restaurant, order something you have never ordered before.
- Watch something new on TV, a new serial, documentary, or genre.
- Join a gym or a club.
- Order a new book and read it.
- Change your routine. Start spending 30 minutes each day learning a new skill, such as, cooking.
- Start new hobbies. Go for something you wouldn’t normally do such as, chess.
Once you have found more interest in your life, and it is as your more or less as you want it, you must remember to appreciate all these things and be grateful. Gratitude will always lighten up your life.
TIP 9 – Don’t give upon sex, love and romance – what we call the three ‘post divorce must haves’ unless you choose to be celibate.
No matter what your age, how tired you are, or how young your children are, please do not give up on sex, love, and romance. Many of us have been with the same partner for years and are embarrassed to get undressed or have sex with someone new. You may feel you have nothing to offer or your previous partner has put you down and made you feel sexually inadequate. You may have closed yourself down to sex, love, and romance because you have young children and endless school runs. It is now time to remember that there is a new dawn and you have every right to enjoy sex, feel love, and experience romance.
Sex, love, and romance are post divorce must haves.
(Unless you choose to be celibate)
Start to open yourself up to the thought that you are willing to accept these three ‘must haves’ to come into your life. Have positive feelings towards them and feel that you are ready to welcome them when they do appear. People who want to romance and love you are everywhere but you must want and be open for them to appear. You must remind yourself that you deserve to feel this way, and be ready to enjoy these ‘must haves’.
TIP 10 – A reminder for being open to change and new things.
Many people often find happiness once they give new people, new foods and things a chance. We are all set in our ways, the way we like things done, the food we eat, the people we find attractive, and how we think. This is because we have been thinking this way for a long period of time and this is what we believe we like and are attracted to. How wrong we are. In life, we never stop growing or experiencing new things and learning about ourselves. Unless we give new people, new foods, new ways of life, new thoughts, and new habits a chance, you will never know what is really out there for you. Just don’t be scared.
The next 2 tips are courtesy of Ms Tailor (A new friend Celina, our founder made at the gym). We at I AM LIP found them fascinating so we included them here. We hope they help you.
TIP 11 – Your monthly reset.
Ms Tailor does a body and mental reset at the end of every month and then starts the new month. She goes over her previous month and highlights all the positive things that have happened, positive things she has done, positive people she has interacted with and improvements that have been made in her life. She then carries these forward to the new month. Anything that is negative, anyone that causes her grief or upsets her, or anything that is not making her happy or makes her cry is removed and put aside. This reset allows her to make every upcoming month stronger, better and happier for herself.
TIP 12 – Your butterfly day.
Ms Tailor was not happy with her life. She decided to make some changes so that she could genuinely be happy. The changes were to every part of her life from relationships to her diet or her health and well-being. She gave herself 1 year to see if these changes would make a difference. During the year she refined and updated these changes, added new ones and removed the ones that were not working. On the 1 year anniversary from when she first implemented these changes she had a celebration. She called it her butterfly day. In 1 year she felt her life had evolved from a ‘chrysalis’ state to a butterfly.
We were all fortunate enough to celebrate her butterfly day with her. If you decide to implement tips 11 and 12 please go on our forum and let us know about your story and how these tips have helped you.