I AM L.I.P

I AM L.I.P

I am a Litigant In Person

The Family Court And Post-Separation Abuse, Narcissism & Gaslighting

 

POST-SEPARATION ABUSE

WHAT IS POST-SEPARATION ABUSE?

Post-separation abuse is where one ex-partner continues to exert fear, control, and power over the other ex-partner after the relationship/marriage is over.   

POST-SEPARATION ABUSE IN THE FAMILY COURT

The family court and many judges/magistrates believe that all forms of abuse finish when a relationship ends and a couple separates. Because of this ingrained thought, the family court, the judges/magistrates, and the whole court system can be, and often are, used as a tool to inflict post-separation abuse. This can include litigation abuse, financial abuse, and using childcare arrangements to continue to intimidate and abuse an ex-partner. The following are forms of post-separation abuse through the family court system – 

  • Engaging in bitter and destructive court room child custody battles to impart revenge, suffering, and trauma on an ex-partner.
  • Delaying court proceedings to frustrate the case.
  • Being in contempt of court many times to frustrate the case.
  • Threatening an ex-partner constantly using legal letters.
  • Bombarding an ex-partner with legal letters.
  • Misusing the legal proceedings to harass an ex-partner.
  • Engaging in vexatious litigation to cause stress to an ex-partner.
  • Childcare arrangements issued by the courts can be used by perpetrators to maintain access to an ex-partner. This allows them to find out information about their ex-partner to start controlling their lives, undermining their authority in front of the children, controlling their schedules, inflicting financial abuse, and frightening them by threatening to abduct or harm the children.

WHAT IS THE POST-SEPARATION ABUSE WHEEL?

The American-based domestic abuse intervention project developed the Duluth Post-Separation, Power, and Control domestic abuse wheel. This wheel is exceptional for learning about and understanding abuse.

LINK TO A DRAWING OF THE DULUTH POST-SEPARATION WHEEL.

LINK TO THE DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVENTION PROGRAMME IN USA EXPLAINING THE DULUTH WHEEL 

NARCISSISM

WHAT IS A NARCISSISTIC PERSON?

A person who has a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is one who has delusions of their own importance and grandeur, needing lots of admiration and attention. This person lacks empathy for others, has a deep sense of entitlement, is often arrogant, and is usually in very abusive and exploitative relationships. This person will usually bully, intimidate, and belittle their partner.

NARCISSISM IN THE FAMILY COURTS

If your ex-partner is a narcissist, they will try to convince the judge/magistrate that they are the real victim and not you. They are often a manipulator who will use any means including their charm, accommodating behaviour, and manners to win over the judge/magistrate. 

HOW SHOULD YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF WITH A NARCISSIST IN THE FAMILY COURT

This will be difficult, however, you must remember not to fall for their attempts to paint you as the ‘bad guy’.

  • Be aware of your facial expressions, eye rolling, and shaking of your head as you watch your ex-partner in court. This may come across as negative on your part.
  • Do not react or get angry at the false accusations in front of the judge. Your ex-partner will take advantage of your reaction and charm their way through the hearing, making the judge feel sorry for them. Wait until the judge instructs you to speak and calmly present your case to the court.
  • Try to maintain a stable and a level headed demeanour.

GASLIGHTING

WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where your ex-partner will convince you that you didn’t see, hear, or feel something. They will convince you that it’s all in your mind, that you’re over sensitive, that they didn’t do it, or that you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Someone who gaslights you is making you question your memory. How you feel, your perception about something, and basically your own reality is called into question.

Beware of the following phrases a gas-lighter will use to try and confuse you – 

  • It’s all in your mind.
  • You’re imaging things.
  • It’s just a joke/Can’t you take a joke?
  • You’re just jealous.
  • Stop acting crazy.
  • You’re hysterical.
  • You always overreact.
  • You have the mad gene in your family.
  • It didn’t happen that way.

GASLIGHTING IN THE FAMILY COURTS

Gaslighting in the family court is when your ex-partner will present lies and false accounts of events in an attempt to steer the court in their favour. This type of manipulation will cause the judge/magistrate, the court system, Cafcass, solicitors, and barristers to question everything you say, thus misdirecting your court case. 

Gaslighting is a form of intimidation and psychological abuse. Your ex-partner will make inaccurate statements about you, turn others against you in court, and exploit the whole court system to get what they want, which is often power and control over you. In court, they will get you to react by saying and doing things to anger you so the court focuses on your reactions and not what your ex-partner is doing to make you react that way. As stated above in the narcissism section, please try to remain calm at the court hearing in response to your ex-partner’s accusations. Do not fall for the bait and allow your ex-partner to paint you as unstable.

Your ex-partner will also try to confuse you in court so the judge/magistrate feels your ex-partner’s account is more believable than yours. After a while, your ex-partner will have told so many lies that you will start to question yourself. 

If your ex-partner does this to you though their barrister, this is called bullying by proxy.

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE TO ‘BULLYING BY PROXY IN DIVORCE’

HOW TO DEAL WITH GASLIGHTING IN THE FAMILY COURTS

  • Keep yourself grounded.
  • Wait until the judge instructs you to speak and calmly present your case to the court. 
  • Explain to the judge that your ex-partner is gaslighting you and, if you have kept a diary or made a chronological list of all the historical gaslighting, present it to the judge.
  • If you have any proof, e.g. text messages, video, sound recordings, or emails, present them as evidence in the court. If you have a witness, ask them to provide a statement.
  • It is easy to constantly question yourself about what happened. Do not allow yourself to do this. You know what has happened, and you must communicate it with confidence to the judge.