Step Parenting
The words ‘the other parent’ in this write up refers to your new partner’s ex who is the other parent in your step child’s life other than your new partner.
After divorce, many of you will go on to find new partners, companions, or marry again. The likelihood of becoming a step parent (whether you want to be one or not) is quite high.
Becoming a step parent isn’t often a choice, it’s something that happens and comes as part of the territory of falling in love with a person who has children from a previous relationship.
You can pretend your new partner’s children do not exist or just ignore them. However, if they are an integral and important part of your new partners life then they will become a part of your life.
Allow us to give you some tips and information to help you understand and navigate step parenting.
THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE MEETING THE STEP CHILDREN
It is great that you have found someone after your divorce, it is going well and you feel the natural next step now is to meet the step children. Or you may be getting a bit pressured into it by your new partner or family members who think you should settle down. You must be sure before you take this step. This is very important both for you and your step children.
The first thing you must do when you find yourself in this situation is to ask yourself the following questions:
- Is it your choice to meet your step children or are you being pressurised?
- Are you ready to include your step children in the equation? Up to now it’s only been the two of you so be sure this is what you really want. Once you have met your step children there is no turning back. Take your time and think long and hard before you do this.
- Do you have the energy, patience, and time to devote to being a step parent or will you start resenting the relationship? This will not only be unfair on you but also for your step children.
- Is being a step parent going to interfere with what you have planned for yourself? You may have brought your own children up who are now adults and are looking forward to some travelling or ‘you’ time. If your new partner has young children, then this may conflict with what you want.
DOES BEING A STEP PARENT GIVE YOU LEGAL PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY?
No it does not. Only parents named on a child’s birth certificate have legal parental responsibility. Legal parental responsibility can only be given to an individual by the family court or through adoption and similar processes.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU FIRST MEET YOUR STEP CHILD(REN)
- Try and keep the meeting short because then there is less chance of something going wrong.
- Try and make a good first impression. Smile. Be warm, kind and gentle.
- Ask your new partner about their children’s interests. When you meet your step children you can talk about these subjects. This will break the ice.
- Listen intently to your step children when they are speaking.
- Understand your step children are just as nervous of you. In fact, they may be scared that you are going to take their parent (your new partner) away from them.
- You must be patient and understanding that when you meet your step children they may be upset or in pain. You may look at them with affection but for them you are a sign that there will be no reconciliation between their real parents.
- Do not take expensive gifts in case you are accused of trying to buy your step children. If you want to take something then take some chocolates, toffees, or a biscuit tin.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE INTRODUCING YOUR CHILDREN TO A POSSIBLE STEP PARENT
- Explain to your children that you have met someone you like and you want to introduce the most important people (your children) in your life to them.
- Explain to your children that this introduction means a lot to you.
- Try not to oversell your new partner to your children.
- As above, try and keep the initial meeting short.
- When you do introduce your children sit or stand next to them and stay by their side. Do not sit or stand next to your new partner. Please make sure you explain to your new partner in advance that you will be doing this.
- Comfort your children during the whole process. Hold their hand if you need to. Please understand your children may have a million things racing through their minds from ‘this stranger may take you away’ to ‘now my real parents will never get back together’ to ‘this new person may stop me seeing my real parent’.
- Understand that this introduction may not be easy for your child to process so calm your expectations. Take one step at a time.
WHAT ARE YOUR CHILDREN OR YOUR STEP CHILDREN LOOKING FOR IN A STEP PARENT?
It may seem that all your children or your step children want to do is cause havoc, pain and separate you and your new partner and it may seem that they’ll never come round. Deep down this is not the case and they are scared. To be honest all they really want is what we all are looking for in life and it’s the following:
- To feel safe and secure and be able to count on you and your new partner.
- To be valued and not feel invisible.
- To be listened to and heard.
- To be encouraged and praised.
- To be loved and shown affection.
- To be part of a happy family.
WHAT IS A BLENDED FAMILY?
A blended family is one where two adults with children from previous relationships marry or co-habit under one roof. It is the union of two existing families.
TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFULLY BLENDING A FAMILY
- Treat your new partner, your children and step children equally, with love and respect.
- Do not show favouritism of any sort to your children over your step children.
- Be patient with everyone as they try to blend and fit in.
- Show compassion to all members of your new family. Everyone will be in different stages of emotional development and have different coping mechanisms to deal with what is happening.
- Be observant if someone is showing signs of not coping with the new situation.
- Try and do things together as a family. Watch movies, play a board game or play football in the garden together. This is bonding time.
- Eat together. Once a day make it compulsory that all members must sit round the dining table and eat together. Of course no mobile phones must be allowed.
- Have a family group WhatsApp chat. From wishing everyone good morning, sending jokes, to telling everyone what’s for dinner, communicate with everyone in one go.
- Hug all members of the family at least once a day. If hugging is inappropriate, then shower some verbal praise instead.
- Make it a rule that when a family member leaves the home, they inform you and others they are going out. When they do you must smile and wish them a good day/time. Encourage others to do the same.
- Also make it a rule when anyone arrives home you greet and welcome them home. Encourage other members to do the same.
- Introduce routine to your new family life such as meal times, family time and homework time. This will bond and stabilise the family.
- Introduce rituals to your new family life such as Sunday roasts, Thursday burger and fries night and Saturday movie and popcorn night. The children will look forward to these events at home.
- Don’t make a big deal of all sibling arguments. Sometimes they can work it out themselves.
WHAT HURDLES TO LOOK OUT FOR WHEN YOU TRY AND BLEND TWO FAMILIES?
Blending two families is beautiful and can lead to one big happy family – which is really the end goal. However, there will be many hurdles to deal with along the way. Allow us to highlight some of these hurdles so that you recognise them, meet them head on or avoid them.
- Will the step siblings get on and like each other – This will take time and encouragement from you. Do not show favouritism and take sides. Try and stay neutral. Do not talk about any of the children negatively.
- The children may compete for attention – Your own child may start to get jealous that they are now dividing their time with you with their step siblings.
- Catering for children of different ages – This will be a difficult one to manage because each age group has their own needs and requirements.
- Time for you and your new partner – You must make sure you and your new partner have date night, sit together and watch television, go out together and maintain your relationship. Do not neglect each other trying to cater to the children.
- Inexperience of the other partner – Try and show compassion and patience when your new partner makes a mistake with your or their child. They may get angry or fed up or express that they are finding it difficult to cope. Listen and do not compare to yourself because you are handling the whole situation much better.
- Interference from yours and/or your new partners ex – This is where you need to show patience and calmness. This will happen and can cause great conflict within your new family. Ignore and don’t make a big deal about anything negative that the ex’s say or do, let it go and focus instead on your new family.
- Catering for everyone’s wishes on special occasions – You may find that some of the children may be with their other parents on certain special occasions. This may affect your plans, family bonding or even be disruptive especially at times like Christmas when you want the whole family together.
STEP PARENTING DO’S
- Gently try and make sure your step-children understand your role in their lives so there are no misunderstandings, expectations or disappointments. Explain you are not there to replace their existing parent or will stop them seeing them.
- Understand that your step children may still be grieving the breakdown of their family and their parents separating/divorcing. They may cause them to be apprehensive about you or they may take this pain out on you. Be prepared.
- At all times speak kindly about their other parent.
- At all times be kind and amicable with their other parent.
- Communicate with your step child’s other parent at all times especially when it comes to discipline. If it is required then leave it to them.
- Keep your step child’s other parent informed of any major incidents and important matters.
- Be understanding when your step child’s other parent makes a mistake or upsets your step child. Try not to take sides or relish in the discord.
- Remember your step child’s other parent has not signed up to co-parent with you. So put energy into trying to win their trust and win them over.
- Stay neutral when your new partner and their ex are having an argument about their children.
- Although you may find it difficult at first, try to treat your children and your step children the same. Please try not to differentiate when it comes to treats, chores, homework, and bedtime to name a few.
STEP PARENTING DON’TS
- Do not compete with your step child’s other parent.
- Do not belittle, badmouth or turn the children against their other parent.
- Do not make your step children choose between you and their other parent.
- Do not try and exclude your step child’s other parent from their life.
- Do not ask or demand your step children call you mum or dad. If you want that then show them love and affection and let it happen naturally.
- Do not gang up with your new partner on your step child’s other parent.