Divorce is hard on all members of the family, including the children. Your children are probably aware of what’s been going on in the family, and know that divorce/separation could be or is on the cards. Even though they’re not adults yet, they’re pretty emotionally observant and can sense if there’s something going on with their parents.
Telling your children will be tough. But despite it being one of the hardest parts of getting a divorce, there are ways you can handle it whilst protecting their mental health.
Please don’t underestimate the effect of a family breakdown on your children’s mental and emotional health. They’re smarter than you think.
1. Tell them together
When you and the other parent make the decision to divorce, you both need to sit down together in the same room with the children and talk to them. There should be calmness between you both. Do not under any circumstances sit down together with the children after you’ve had an argument with your partner or if there is any form of obvious tension or stress between you and your partner.
2. Decide when the timing is right
Although it feels like there is never really a good time to tell your children, you and your partner can control when you both feel the time is right.
If your children are in the middle of exams or treatment for a serious health condition, for example, then you should wait until their exams finish or when they’re in better health. The confirmation that their parents are divorcing will affect the children and they will have to deal with the mental and emotional fall out of the news. Therefore, it’s important that they’re informed at a time when it won’t impact a significant event, such as their exams, in their lives.
3. Talk to the children at home
When you and the other parent decide to inform the children about the divorce, do it in your home environment. Generally, this will be the safest environment for them when they hear the news. If they want to retreat to their bedroom, they can, and if they want to cry, they can in the privacy of their home without them feeling the public is watching or judging them.
4. Use the right approach
The golden rules here are –
- Keep it simple.
- Use positive language
- Do not blame the children.
- Do not blame the other parent.
Use simple terms and language so that you don’t confuse your children with long explanations and background information. Your children will be trying to process what’s going on in the present, so it’s best not to overcomplicate it.
Try to be positive about the situation. Let them know that it’s for the best and that you’re both still here for them. Although it might not feel like it now, everything is going to be okay. It’s also important to make sure they know that it’s not their fault or that they could have done anything to prevent your decision.
During the conversation, don’t blame, discredit or bad mouth the other parent. Watching this conflict between their parents can be distressing, making the family environment unstable. Remember, they are also half of the other parent, so badmouthing will make them feel as if they are too at fault and lower their self-esteem.
5. Reassure your children about their fears
Once your children learn that a divorce is going ahead, they will probably develop some fears. Will they be able to see both parents? Who will look after them? What will happen to their home and their family?
What your children need is reassurance from both you and the other parent about any fears they have. It’s important to constantly reassure your children during this time. Communicate and ask them if they want to talk about anything or if they are scared about anything. Answer their questions to relieve any fears and give them time to adjust.
6. Let the children express their feelings
Your children will have their own personal feelings about what’s happening to their family and the decisions you and the other parent have made. The realisation that a divorce will happen may send them into shock or depression. They may be scared, or they may withdraw into themselves. They may lash out and get angry. It’s okay.
Let them react, support them. It’s important they get these feelings out and express them so your children don’t internalise them. Ask them if they want to talk to a therapist or counsellor about their feelings. Schools often have resources to help children through difficult times such as divorce and can provide counsellors to those who need them. Contact your children’s school to see if they can help.
7. Base what you tell them on the truth
Your children will ask you questions. It’s inevitable. But it can also put you in an awkward position, especially if the questions are personal and private and your children are too young to understand. So, what do you say and how do you answer?
Firstly, don’t avoid these questions. You may feel irritated at the constant questions and inability to tell the children the full truth as they are young, so it’s important to remember to stay calm. Don’t answer them in an angry manner or use it to bad mouth the other parent. Base your replies on the truth, don’t lie or make something up. Try to gently explain it in terms they would understand.
8. Keep the children informed
Divorce and separation take time. During this period many things will happen. Assets will be put on the market or sold, one parent may move out, or new partners may be introduced. It’s important that your children are kept up to date about everything so they don’t get blindsided when significant events happen. If they’re always informed, then they’re ready to deal and handle things that come their way.
Be sure that the significant change or event is definitely happening before telling them so they don’t overthink or feel confused and unstable in their home.
9. Keep all adult-focused conversations away from your children
This is a very important point and should never be underestimated. If you and the other parent need to discuss private matters or feel an argument coming on, wait until the children are out of the house or are not around. Your children shouldn’t hear your private conversations with the other parent, or with anyone else.
10. Don't complain about the other parent in front of the children
When you’re angry, it’s easy to start moaning about the other parent in front of the children. It’s even easier to openly criticise the other parent in front of your children when they do something wrong.
If your children are upset with the other parent, don’t jump on the bandwagon and join in. Try to soothe your children and keep good relations between them and the other parent. This doesn’t mean you need to make excuses for the other parent, especially if their bad behaviour isn’t a one-off and is constant, but don’t add fuel to the fire.
Share your experiences and any other tips you might have on our forum and social media! Help each other out to keep your children happy and healthy during this difficult time.
