Even though this I AM L.I.P website is about divorce litigation, we felt it was important to write about the most important things that would effect your life after or during your divorce. One of the most common issues people face after a divorce is to suddenly find themselves as single parents. 

The words ‘single parent’ is so commonly used now that we hear it here, there and everywhere. There is no taboo being referred to as a single parent anymore as it is widely accepted in most societies. In 2022 1 in 4 families are single parent families.

21% of all UK children live in single parent families.

Even though more and more men/fathers are now bringing up children by themselves on a full time basis, the issues involving ‘single parenting’ still disproportionately affect women. Over 90% of single parents are women. However, please note this webpage is for all parents whether male, female or gender neutral.

WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A SINGLE PARENT?

A single parent is an individual who has the parental responsibility of a child but does not have a spouse or live in partner to share the parental responsibilities on a full time basis.

A single parent has the same workload as a married parent except they are carrying out the workload by themselves.

A single parent is also known as a lone parent.

WHAT IS PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY?

Parental responsibility is defined by law in the children act 1989 as follows…

“all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and their property”.

Parental responsibility is a parents duties towards their children. It is not about their rights over their children.

SINGLE PARENTS DO’S

1. Tell everyone around you including your boss at work that you are a single parent. Once informed everyone can manage their expectations of you and be understanding of what your life entails. 
2. When family members offer to help you, accept it. They are not saying you cannot cope or is their offer a mark on your character. It’s just help. Why are they offering help you may ask? They are offering help because as the saying goes ‘it takes a village to bring up a child’. One person cannot do it all and nor are they expected to. 
3. One tip we picked up quite recently was the ‘get in line’ rule. Many individuals are single parents to more than one child. Sometimes it can be overwhelming especially when children start asking for something or talking to you at the same time or within close proximity of time to each other. One of the best solutions is to explain to the children that you didn’t say ‘no’ to their request or ask. However you are saying that their request or ask is in line and you are going to deal with each request one at a time. This will stop you getting overwhelmed. 
4. Make a list before bed time every night of everything that you need to do the next day. You can have a special notepad on which you can write your to do list. You can make columns, make sections, and star the ones that are a priority. This will give you peace and stop you trying to remember everything.
5. Prepare and organise things in advance so that tasks are not left to the last minute and done in a stressful rush.
6. Put things away where they belong so you do not spend time and energy trying to hunt them down.
7. Keep a diary and in it write down all your renewal dates and important dates to remember so you are not constantly trying to remember dates.
8. Prioritise what needs to be done and don’t give yourself a hard time about the rest. Please remember you are human and you can only do so much. Do the most important things first at the start of the day so if you do not reach the bottom of the list then its not a catastrophe.
9. Take some time to rest your mind so you do not end up overloaded and burdened. Meditation is best for this. Please refer to our L.I.P Wellbeing for guidance.
10. If you have older children try and encourage them to help you around the home. This will give them a sense of responsibility and lighten your load in the process.
11. Put your phone down and take a break from the overload of information. Switch your notifications off and allow your mind to take a rest.
12. Create a routine for your children to follow and keep it up. Your children will get use to it, do the tasks at the desired time. Routine is known to provide a sense of security and stability in a child’s life. As far as you are concerned routine will make your life easier.

SINGLE PARENT DONT’S

1. Do not listen to anyone telling you that you’re home is messy, or anything that makes you feel inadequate. You are trying you best and prioritising and doing the most important tasks first.  
2. Do not multi-task all the time. This can overload your mind. Sometimes try and do one task at a time, finish it, put everything away then start your next task. You will use less brain power.
3. Do not overdo the juggling and beat yourself up. As a single parent, you are juggling raising the children, household chores, earning an income, paying bills, and maintaining a social and family life. Do what you can, as calmly as you can but if something doesn’t get done, then it doesn’t get done. 
4. Do not ignore your wellbeing. Take time out from parenting to do the thing you want to do or spend time in adult company. If you do not you will get parent burnout. Please remember there is a direct correlation: happy parent = happy children.
5. Do not keep your feelings about being a single parent all to yourself. Talk to a friend and unload. Get it out of your system. You will feel better for it.
6. Do not take your stress, loneliness and conflict with the other parent out on the children. It is not their fault. Talk to your adult family and friends. 
7. Let the children be children. Do not let them grow up to fast trying to help you face single parenting issues.
8. Do not use your children as a shoulder to lean on for your emotional problems. Talk to your adult family and friends.
9. Do not over commit yourself.

Tell yourself the following and believe it:

1. I deserve all the help I can get to raise my children.
2. I will share my children with their other parent and allow them to help.
3. My children will benefit from the love they will receive from their other parent.
4. I will let go of any anger towards the other parent.
5. I will learn to co-parent because it is right for my children. 

ISSUES THAT CAN EFFECT SINGLE PARENTS

There are many issues that are specific to single parenting that can be stressful. It is important that you are aware of these so you can handle them:

1. Child arrangements, visitation and contact.
2. Money worries/single income.
3. Conflict with the other parent.
4. Conflict with extended family from the other parents side.
5. Step parent conflict.
6. No back up 

1. Do not introduce every girlfriend/boyfriend, date or adult encounter to your children. Only introduce a new partner once you are sure that they are going to be around and there will be some semblance of permanence to the relationship. This will stop your children building up their hopes that there may be a new parent entering the family for it to be dashed time and time again.
2. When you do introduce a new partner allow your children to have their reaction (whatever it may be) and for them to work their way through it. If your children have a negative reaction to your new partner this is probably because they are scared that this new person may take their ‘only’ parent away and they will be left alone. If your children have a positive reaction, and although this is great, their expectations of ‘happy families’ has to still be managed.
3. Keep your adult life private away from your children as much as you can. Your children do not need to know every single detail about what you are doing with your new partner. Some may say that honesty is the best policy but you must remember these are children you are dealing with not adults. Your children may get insecure hearing about the finer details of your relationship with your new partner, they may get resentful and argue why are you not giving your new partner the attention.
4. Please understand that your children may try and sabotage your new relationship. Forgive them and understand that they are just trying to protect their relationship with you and trying to stop your new partner taking you away.
5. When you find a new partner please try and find a balance with the time you spend with your new partner and your children. If you start giving all your time to your new partner your children may start to resent this. Over a period of time show your children that your new partner is not taking you away or interfering in your relationship with them.

BUILDING THE SUPPORT SYSTEM AROUND YOU

If there is anything you take from this page, it should be that you must, no matter what, build a support system around you. You cannot do it alone. We repeat…you cannot do it alone or are you expected to. 

Make a decision that you are going to accept help from all those around you. Tell yourself that there are people around you that will help you and are there for you. Believe it and this will happen because you will make it happen.

Tell yourself the following and believe it:

1. I deserve all the help I can get to raise my children.
2. I will share my children with my family and allow them to help.
3. My children will benefit from the love they will receive from other members of the family.
4. I am happy to get the help and support.

The thing you must understand is people will help you if you include them in your life. Make them a part of your life.

1. Include your parents, siblings and cousins in your life (if you can).
2. Include your ex-partners/the other parent’s parents, siblings and cousins in your life (if you can).
3. Include friends in your life.

Some of you may not have family or may have just moved to a new area therefore you don’t know anybody. Please read the following tips that may help you to build a support structure over a period of time.

1. Ask at your child’s school if they know of a mums group or any support group you can join.
2. Ask at your GP surgery if they are aware of any support groups in your area.
3. Go to your local library and ask if they are aware of any support groups. 
4. Introduce yourself to all your new neighbours and make friends.
5. Talk and make friends with other mothers at the school when your pick up or drop off your child.
6. Attend your local church and ask if they are aware of any support groups you can join.
7. Call single parent organisations for contacts in your area that can assist you. Our L.I.P Help Guide 16 will help you.