5) LEARN ABOUT YOURS AND YOUR PARTNERS TRIGGERS

All partners in a marriage argue, fight, and bicker. Most of us know what triggers us to see red and what triggers our partner. You are also aware of any recent things that have happened that may have caused arguments in your relationship. It is important you write down all yours and your partner’s triggers in a list – past and present – so you can remember to avoid  them, and if you can’t avoid them, then to remember to stay calm instead of biting at each other during the divorce. You must also try not to allow others – solicitors, barristers, family, and friends – to utilise these triggers and cause friction so your divorce fits into their agenda, which often includes making money out of your divorce.

Please remember, every single argument or conflict between you and your partner during the divorce will cost you. Whether it’s money, peace or harmony, you, your partner and your children will pay for it. You will start to lose control over your divorce and this is something you must try not to allow. 

6) TRY AND TALK TO EACH OTHER AND START HAVING DIVORCE DINNER/LUNCH DATES

Communicate, communicate and communicate.

And if you don’t know how to or you both have reached a point where you don’t want to, then try and change it. If we could, we would emphasise this a thousand times to you. Communication with your partner during your divorce will save you – time, money, money, and more money. Shed loads of money! It will bring you peace and harmony. Think of the bigger picture and be the bigger person. Don’t think with your ego, especially if it means saving money. Start now to develop a relationship with your partner where you both can talk to each other. Once a week/fortnight have a ‘divorce dinner/lunch date’ where you both eat together and discuss the divorce in a calm and peaceful manner without interruption. Whilst there, remember the trigger list and avoid it.

TO SUMMARISE – 

a) Divorce dinner/lunch dates will allow both of you to discuss divorce in a calm way in a calm setting. 

b) You can both talk about your research – points 2 and 3 above – and what you feel and believe could be the best way forward for all of you. 

c) Discuss points 7, 8, 9, and 10 below and when, how, and where to do this.

d) These divorce dinner/lunch dates will also prepare both of you to handle divorce negotiations as a business deal.

e) AVOID EACH OTHERS TRIGGERS, CALM EACH OTHER DOWN AND AVOID ARGUMENTS AT ALL COSTS.

7) DISCUSS AND DECIDE TOGETHER WHEN THE TIMING IS RIGHT

Both you and your partner need to be on the same page about this. If your children are in the middle of exams, please wait until they end. If a family member is in the middle of a health scare and is under treatment, it might be prudent to wait. However, do not also let your partner use timing as an excuse to delay your divorce either.

8) SIT THE CHILDREN DOWN AND TALK

Please remember – your family and home belongs just as much to your children as to you. Please put a great deal of thought into how you and your partner are going to inform the children. Reassure the children that it’s not their fault and their parents love them. Your children will worry about how their life will change and whether they may lose their parent or parents. Your children may react badly and say they do not want you both to divorce. Please allow them this reaction, to get over the shock and for them to acclimatise to the information they have been told. Remember to be patient, supportive, and understanding at all times. Please do not forget your divorce will cause upheaval in their lives as well as yours and your partners. Another thing to consider is informing the school to have them on board for help.

TIPS –

a) Tell the children you love them more often during this period.

b) Try and stay home to spend time with them so they feel reassured.

c) Try not to argue with your partner in front of the children.

d) Try not to have adult-focused discussions where the children can overhear.

e) Try to address and reassure your children about their fears.

f) Be patient and give them the time to acclimatise to being part of a divorced family. 

9)  INFORM THE EXTENDED FAMILY.

When is it the right time to inform the extended family? Before sending your divorce papers or after? Should you and your partner go together and talk to your respective parents and siblings, and should you tell them before you tell your children so your extended family can act as a crutch for your children?

If possible try to encourage grandparents, aunts, and uncles to remain a part of yours and your children’s lives during and after the divorce if that is what you want. However, please remember that even if you are not on good terms with some family members, try not to let this get in the way of their relationship with your children. 

Once you have told the extended family, allow them to take time to digest what they have heard. Do not get involved in the blame game. Family will come around eventually, especially if you stay calm and your intentions are pure. 

10) TO INFORM YOUR FRIENDS CIRCLE OR NOT

It is not easy to decide when it is the right time to inform your friends. Only you know your social circle. You know your relationship with your friends and if any of them will take advantage of your ‘divorce’ situation. However, at the same time, by telling your friends, they can act as a support structure and can intervene and calm things down when the rough waters come. Friends can also support your children, especially if your children are friends with their children.

Another aspect to consider is what and how much information to release to your social circle. This will allow you to control the narrative and how you will be seen and thought about in the future. Please do not underestimate this.

11) MAKE SOME SHORT TERM (INTERIM PERIOD) DECISIONS BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER

TEMPORARY LIVING ARRANGEMENTS DURING THE DIVORCE – You and your partner will need to think about where you and your partner will live during the divorce – under the same roof or will one partner move out? If there are constant arguments, then both of you living under the same roof may not constitute an acceptable environment for all, including the children. 

If one of you ends up moving out into another residence then you both will incur new expenses such as rent, bills, and cost of food for the partner moving out. Can you both afford this alongside the expenses for the marital home? At the same time, with one partner moving out, will there be extra pressure on the partner that stays in the house to deal with children and other issues? Have a good think about what is the best living arrangements for you both financially, what is in the best interest of the children, and what is good for the both of you.

UPKEEPING THE MORTGAGE & BILLS DURING THE DIVORCE – Keep in mind, your mortgage and bills will still have to be paid during your divorce. However, if one partner moves out, with the new rent, bills, and food they will have to pay, can the mortgage and bills at the marital home still be covered with the family income? 

UPKEEPING OF THE CHILDREN DURING THE DIVORCE – Keep in mind, during the divorce, the children’s expenses will still continue and these will have to be covered from the family income.

GIVING CHILDREN ATTENTION DURING THE DIVORCE – If at the moment both of you are attentive towards the children, then this must continue. One of you may be doing the school runs and the other after school or weekend clubs. When one of you cooks, one of you may be watching tv with the children or perhaps both of you together take the children to the cinema at the weekend. Please think, if one of you moves out how will this affect the children and the remaining partner? 

CHANGING OF WILLS – When is it right to change your will? Please find out more information but here I’ll summarise a few points. Right now because you and your partner are legally still married, inheritance laws apply to you whether there is a will or not. If your partner dies during the divorce and there is no will you will inherit their half in total if there are no children. If your partner dies during the divorce and you have children and there is no will, you will receive £250K of the estate and all chattels. The rest is divided in half. You will receive half and your children will receive the rest when they are 18 years old. If you have a new partner but you are not divorced from your previous partner, the former will inherit nothing unless they are mentioned in your will. If you have a will written before the divorce, this will still be valid until it is replaced with your new one. Once you are divorced, you cannot benefit from your partner estate unless they have expressed in their will you should.

12) GIVE THOUGHT TO THE LONG TERM (PERMANENT SOLUTIONS) DECISIONS THAT NEED TO BE MADE

PERMANENT LIVING ARRANGEMENTS FOR BOTH PARTNERS AFTER THE DIVORCE – This is a minefield. There are so many things that have to be taken into consideration before any negotiations start or decisions are made once the divorce starts. Your divorce negotiations will involve who stays in the marital home, especially if there are young children, or will it be sold and two new residences purchased if affordable? If one party has to leave the marital home, it is important to discuss how far away they will live so they can maintain contact and relations with the children, friends, and family. 

Before any progress can be made towards divorce, below is a list of questions you need to ask yourself. You have 28 days to find the answers –

Will you both have to sell the family home, and can you both afford to buy two new, probably smaller residences’?

Will both of you be financially worse off after divorce?

Will child and spousal maintenance cover your bills?

Can you make the leap from coupledom to being single? 

Do you understand you could be lonely?

Do you understand the impact on your children, lifestyle, and your economics?

Will yours or your partner’s involvement in your children’s lives diminish? 

CUSTODY OF CHILDREN – You need to think about which parent the children will live with permanently (day to day), and how often and when will the children see or stay with the other parent. How will you both divide school runs, school clubs, activities, homework, school holidays, and half terms so that your children are totally catered for and one parent doesn’t get overwhelmed and overburdened. 

RETRAINING – If you have been a homemaker until now and your children have grown up, you may wish to retrain, especially if you’re looking for a new career or if the amount of money you have to live on after divorce will be reduced. Research new courses and qualifications, careers, and job vacancies to give you an idea of what is and is not available to you before you embark upon divorce.

13) PROMISE EACH OTHER THAT YOU WILL CO-PARENT THE CHILDREN TOGETHER.

If there are children in your marriage and there has been no domestic violence or abuse and the children are not at risk then it is important that you both discuss co-parenting now before divorce papers are filed and proceedings started. It is very easy to fall into the trap of resentment and bitterness during the divorce with the children suffering as a consequence. 

Sit down with your partner and promise each other three things:

1) That you will both co-parent the children amicably and lovingly, putting their needs and emotional well-being first. 

2) You will both be kind to each other and speak about each other in a positive light in front of the children whether the other partner is present or not.  

3) Neither of you will talk about the details of the divorce to the children, in front of the children or within hearing distance of the children. 

You could both make your own personal contract between you, sign it and each keep a copy. When things start going wrong in the divorce one of you can remind the other about the contract and the promise you both made with regards to the children.

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR CO-PARENTING

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR ALIENATION AND THE CHILD

14) IF YOU ARE STILL NOT SURE THAT YOU WANT TO DIVORCE, YOU COULD LEGALLY SEPARATE FOR SOME TIME THEN DIVORCE AT A LATER DATE.

There are many reasons why a couple may not want to go down the road to divorce. They may not be ready, they may need more time and space to think about a divorce or there could be religious reasons not to divorce. In these cases there is another option – to legally separate. If you both can agree terms of your separation with regards to finances, property and child arrangements between yourselves or through mediation where mediators will help you, you can write these agreements down on a draft separation agreement. You both can then send this draft separation agreement to the family court to formalise/approve into a legally binding separation order. 

For more information please click on the link below.  

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR LEGAL SEPARATION EXPLAINED 

15) CHECK IF YOU QUALIFY FOR AN ANNULMENT INSTEAD OF A DIVORCE. 

Some marriages are not legally recognised in the UK. These marriages did not comply with the legal requirements for marriage and thus can be declared null and void by the British family court. Please click on the link below to access our L.I.P Help Guide for annulment explained to understand if this applies to you.  

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR ANNULMENT EXPLAINED

16) DECIDE IF YOU NEED TO REGISTER YOUR MATRIMONIAL HOME RIGHTS IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT DIVORCE – IF THIS APPLIES TO YOU

Before you decide to start divorce proceedings you must give serious thought to the situation described in the next paragraph if it applies to you. Please under no circumstances must you neglect this.

If you are contemplating divorcing your partner but the house you both live in as a couple/family is owned SOLELY by your partner then you must become aware of what this means for you. As your partner owns the house, they could sell it without your permission, re-mortgage it, ask you to leave or change the locks and exclude you. You need to decide whether you need to protect yourself in case your partner goes down this route. 

If you feel your partner may do this then you MUST register ‘matrimonial home rights’ with the land registry to stop them. If the land registry has granted you ‘matrimonial home rights’ then the only way you can be excluded from the home is if your partner gets an occupation order from the court.

Home rights is a term used where a partner has the right to remain in the matrimonial home, even if their name is not on the ownership of the home – their name is not on the deeds of the property. They can stay in the other partner’s property as it was the matrimonial home. Home rights under the Family Law Act 1996 gives protection to the partner who has the right of occupation in the house owned by the other partner. 

Registering your home rights with the land registry means that your partner cannot sell or remortgage the house without you knowing. You can only register your home rights against one property only. 

Please note – if your partner owns your marital home with someone else, you may not be able to register your home rights. 

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR YOU AND YOUR MATRIMONIAL HOME RIGHTS

17) IF YOU CHOOSE TO GO FORWARD WITH YOUR DIVORCE, THEN UNDERSTAND NOW, YOU MUST START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON TO SUCCESSFULLY NAVIGATE YOUR DIVORCE.

If you choose to start the divorce process, as a litigant in person you will need to be on top of your divorce at all times. Make preparations now. Put files, diaries, notebooks, in fact your complete system in place so you can navigate your divorce  successfully –

a) MAKE SEPARATE FILES FOR DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR DIVORCE –  It is very important to be organised and keep your papers and forms in one place and in order. Buy a separate lever arch A4 file for the different parts of your divorce such as child arrangements and division of your marital assets and finances.

b) KEEP ALL CONTACT PHONE NUMBERS AND ADDRESSES IN ONE PLACE –  Keep all contact numbers and full addresses in relation to your divorce in one place, such as your phone. You can also write down these details in a divorce address book, online address book, or on the front pages of each lever arch A4 file. Please also note down details such as opening times, alternative numbers, and extension numbers.

c) WRITE DOWN IN DETAIL ALL CONVERSATIONS THAT YOU HAVE FROM NOW ON – Every time you call the court, an organisation, the police, or anyone in the legal profession write down the date, time, number you called, who you spoke to, what was said, what was agreed, what paperwork is involved, and when you will receive the paperwork or will send it.

d) PHOTOCOPY AND KEEP ALL FORMS AND PAPERWORK YOU SEND ANYWHERE – Keep a copy of every single form, evidence, report, medical notes, statements, and court orders to name a few in your files. Never send any paperwork anywhere unless you have kept a copy.

e) KEEP ALL POSTAGE RECEIPTS AS PROOF – When you post court forms to the court or any paperwork anywhere, send it signed for recorded delivery and keep the postage receipt. Write down on the back of the receipt what was sent and where. This will be your proof if your forms go missing. 

f) DO NOT SUBMIT OR HAND OVER ANY PAPERWORK TO ANYBODY WITHOUT RECEIPT OF PROOF – Some courts have a letterbox or box where you can post your paperwork. The court staff will empty the box once a day, most probably in the morning. But you have no proof you posted it. What I used to do, using my phone, is video myself putting my paperwork inside an envelope, sealing this envelope with the address on it, then posting the envelope through the court letterbox. Now you have proof you posted it.

Of course, if you send paperwork via email you automatically have proof.

g) BUY A CHEAP HOUSEHOLD PHOTOCOPIER/PRINTER/SCANNER WITH A MULTI-FEED – There are many cheap household all in one photocopier/printer/scanners available to buy. Please make sure you buy one with a multi-feed so you can scan/photocopy multipage documents easily in one go. A point of advice – you can buy cheap printer inks on Ebay.

h) DON’T BE EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU FILL OUT FORMS WRONG OR SAY THE WRONG THINGS – I cannot stress to you the amount of times my forms came back from the court because they had mistakes on them and I had to make corrections and resubmit. However, not once did I care or feel embarrassed. All I thought about was how my money was still in my pocket rather than in a solicitors bank account.

When I was a litigant in person, this site didn’t exist. There was so much I didn’t know or understand and I would often say the wrong things when asked a question. I didn’t feel embarrassed even when people smirked, rolled their eyes, or giggled at my lack of knowledge. My exterior was made of steel. 

i) WRITE DOWN ALL DATES AND TIMES OF APPOINTMENTS AND COURT HEARINGS IN YOUR DIARY, ON YOUR CALENDER, IN YOUR PHONE OR ON THE FRIDGE – You must not forget to attend any hearings or appointments. Make sure you immediately note down all dates and times in your diary, in your phone, or on your calendar. 

j) MAKE SURE YOU WRITE DOWN ALL THE THINGS – ALSO CALLED DIRECTIONS – THE COURT ORDERS YOU TO DO AT A HEARING TO ENSURE YOU DO THEM –  During your divorce, there will be court hearings where the court will ask you to submit witness statements, evidence, bank statements to name a few. The court will always give you a time limit within which you must submit documents. Please keep on top of this and make sure you always submit documents on time.  

k) PLEASE DO NOT TALK ABOUT DIVORCE ALL DAY LONG AS IF IT’S A PROJECT. TAKE TIME OUT – It is very easy to become engrossed in your divorce that you end up eating, drinking, and breathing your divorce. You can get so caught up that you will forget to recover and move forward towards a better new life.’

18) ALWAYS REMEMBER ONCE YOU START YOUR DIVORCE IF AT ANY TIME YOU WANT TO STOP AND WITHDRAW FROM COURT ROCEEDINGS, OR HALT AND RE-THINK YOU CAN DO SO. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE!

Many people think that once a divorce, and financial and child arrangement proceedings have started or are a certain way along they cannot be stopped or halted. People are often told this by solicitors and barristers who want the proceedings to continue because it benefits them financially or are persuaded not to stop as they may have the upper hand or are reminded by others why the divorce started in the first place. 

We at I AM L.I.P think differently. We have written a Help Guide explaining how exactly you can stop or halt divorce, financial and child arrangement proceedings. Promise yourself that if things start to mend and get better between yourself and your partner then you will reconsider putting your family back together and our Help Guide 14 will help you do just that.

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR HOW TO WITHDRAW OR HALT YOUR DIVORCE, FINANCIAL PROCEEDINGS, CHILD ARRANGEMENT PROCEEDINGS, AND ANY APPLICATION MADE 

19) USE OUR FORUM TO MEET OTHERS IN THE SAME POSITION OR HAVE BEEN THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH

We have a forum on the website to enable you to talk to others around the country who are in similar positions or have been through what you are going through. You will discover a wealth of experience on our forum, it’s free to use and you will get to talk to people who understand your mindset, your worries and above all how you feel.

LINK TO OUR L.I.P FORUM

20) FINALLY, LOOK AFTER YOUR HEALTH AND WELLBEING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE PROCESS

Family court proceedings especially those concerning child issues can be heart wrenching, time consuming, exhausting and traumatic. It is easy to get consumed and overwhelmed which in turn will affect your health, mindset and wellbeing. Most people who start court proceedings end up neglecting themselves as they encounter rough patches, prepare for court hearings, and produce paperwork the court has asked.  It is very important to look after yourself and maintain your wellbeing during the entire process no matter how long it takes. This is the reason why we have produced a wellbeing section in this website. Please click on the link below to access our wellbeing section. 

LINK TO OUR L.I.P WELLBEING