Let’s be honest, after a divorce most of us feel like we’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and don’t know which way we’re going. After getting out of a relationship, it can be quite daunting, disorienting, and lonely. But, even though this relationship has ended, there’s still another relationship that will need your full attention. The one you have with yourself.
When asked about how they felt after splitting with their partner, the majority of newly divorced and separated people expressed that they felt lost, unstable, and had been left with low self-esteem. Their confidence had dropped significantly.
Even if you’re one of those rare people that is absolutely ecstatic that you’ve just divorced and cannot wait to live the rest of your life (which is awesome!), you might still be struggling with your relationship with yourself.
Remember, divorce is the end of a chapter – not the end of your life. And before you start a new chapter, there is one very important thing you must do –
You need to fall in love with yourself.
Read our tips below to help you along your journey to loving yourself –
1. Change your spoken words to describe your actions
Consciously change the way you describe your ability to do things.
Instead of saying ‘I can’t’ or ‘I won’t’, tell yourself –
- ‘I can’
- ‘I will’
- ‘I want to’
- ‘I am (add a positive adjective)’
If you do this for 21 days, it will start to become a habit. Over a period of time, you will start doing this subconsciously. When you start automatically thinking you ‘can’ or ‘will’ or are ‘able’ to do something rather than going straight to ‘I can’t’ or ‘I won’t’, you will start to feel great about yourself.
It takes about 21 days for something to start becoming a habit so don’t give up!
2. Change your spoken words to describe yourself
Consciously change the way you describe yourself.
Repeat to yourself –
- ‘I am beautiful’
- ‘I am wonderful’
- ‘I am great at…’
- ‘I am worthy of love’
- ‘I love myself’
If you do this consistently over 21 days, you will start to subconsciously think this way about yourself. And when you think this way about yourself, you’ll start to feel this way about yourself.
You might feel silly doing both the above tips, but they are effective and your mind and body deserve to hear how amazing they are – after all, there’s only one of you and there only ever will be one of you!
3. Start Saying Yes
One of the most common things a person tends to do after a divorce is say ‘no’ to everything. It may be because they’re tired, dejected, not ready to leave the house, or are left feeling insecure and nervous. Whatever the reason, don’t let it stop you from living your life and having fun.
If you don’t feel ready, that’s okay. Take the time you need to heal, but make sure you don’t end up stuck in a rut and saying no to every opportunity coming your way. You might even end up using it as a way to not move on without realising.
Start by saying ‘yes’ to small things, like lunch at a friend’s house or a local cafe. If you do this, you’ll find yourself getting out and about more often, perhaps surrounded by new people or old friends. This will occupy your mind, your time, and start to make you feel good. From these events will come more and more opportunities to meet new people.
When your life fills itself with new opportunities and excitement, you’ll become happier. Being in this mindset will make it easier to see the good in yourself, helping you on your journey to self-love. And guess what…it all started with a yes!
4. Freshen yourself up
Many of us don’t have the time or money to reinvent ourselves after a divorce. Neither are we able to reverse the years during our marriage and divorce and the toll they have taken. But one thing we can do is freshen ourselves up. Start looking after your body and your appearance for you. Experiment with your make-up, use a new lipstick colour or eyeshadow, a new nail varnish colour or eyelashes. Include some exercise in your day. Get a new haircut and maybe even dye your hair at home. Do whatever makes you feel good about yourself.
You would be amazed at what a little freshening up can do. Treating your body with love will only make you fall in love with yourself more.
5. Groom yourself lovingly everyday
Following on from the previous tip, there are things you can do everyday to treat your body with love.
Everyday, spend about 30 minutes grooming a part(s) of your body. Give yourself a manicure, pedicure, massage or facial. Do it lovingly, with patience, with calmness and with warmth for yourself and your body.
You deserve to be pampered. You deserve to feel good and appreciate yourself. If you do this everyday, after 21 days you will start to look at your body in a different way. After this, you will have no choice but to fall in love with yourself.
Try out some home spa treatments for pampering yourself by reading our article on how to get started with them.
6. Smile, Smile, Smile, and then Smile Again
They say a smile can melt a thousand hearts. It can also brighten up someone’s day, brighten up yours when people return the smile, and generally make you feel good.
When you smile, your brain releases three chemicals – neuropeptides which help your body fight stress, endorphins which help your body relieve pain, and serotonin which works as an antidepressant in your body.
Your smile doesn’t just make others fall in love with you, it goes a long way in making sure that you do too with yourself.
7. Dance with yourself
Now that you’re divorced, think of your journey through life as a dance. In your marriage you were dancing with another person, but now you’re dancing with yourself. It’s important to use this time to focus on yourself, your own body and your own wellbeing. This will teach you that your dance is not incomplete without a dance partner. It’s your routine and only yours, so put energy, passion, warmth and your own love into it.
And once you’re ready, you can bring in another partner to add to your dance, not complete it.
8. Hang with a feel-good gang
Now is the time to surround yourself with and only spend time with people who make you feel good. People who compliment you, lift you up, and make you feel good. Stay away from anyone who puts you down, criticises you, or judges you for who you are and what you’re doing.
It’s going to be a harder journey to self-love if you surround yourself with people who don’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
9. Talk about the good stuff
Make a decision that, for 21 days, you will only speak about positive things. In other words, elevate the good stuff happening in your life. Avoid letting anything negative come out of your mouth. If you catch yourself moaning, complaining, or saying something negative, reframe the situation and focus on the good. If not a lot of good stuff is happening in your life, then speak about good stuff happening around you and about yourself.
Always talking about the positive can cause a significant shift in your mindset. After 21 days, you’ll start to do this subconsciously. You’ll feel positive and your outlook on life and yourself will become positive.
10. A Good Night's Sleep
A good night’s sleep is one hell of a catalyst in making you feel good about your day, your life, and yourself. A well-rested body and mind will allow you to approach life with a better mindset, focus on the positives, and enjoy your day. This point may be 10th on the list, but if you can master this one, you will definitely master tips 1-9.
It can be difficult getting a restful sleep, so go read our guide to getting a good night’s sleep.
Share your journey to falling in love with yourself on our forum and social media! Let us know what tips you used and comment with some more suggestions.
