Children Vs Each Child
WHAT IS THIS WEBPAGE ABOUT?
When we talk about family members that are affected by a divorce or separation regardless of the circumstances that lead up to it, we tend to put all the children into one homogenous pot. We talk about how divorce/separation can affect the children of a family as a collective.
This webpage is about how divorce/separation affects each child within a family separately.
The factors that affect how a child deals with parental divorce and family breakdown are:
- Their birth ranking within the family (eldest, middle or youngest child)
- Their age within their birth ranking
- Their personality, individuality and maturity
- Their individual bond with each parent
When Cafcass interviews children during child arrangements as part of the divorce process, each child has a different experience of what is happening within the family and their details about what is going on may not be consistent with each other. There can be huge inconsistencies. They all have different memories and have been exposed to different things. Often the younger siblings have been shielded and protected by the older siblings so their recollection is quite different.
In the majority of divorces, all the children no matter their age, their birth ranking or their personality will experience some sort of fear, anxiousness, and trauma. They will just be different for each child.
The one thing that everyone must bear in mind is that it can be very difficult for all children, no matter what their age, to talk about their parents divorce and family breakdown because it is a very emotional, painful and fragile subject.
The first part of this write up will discuss how divorce affects children of different ages. The second part of this write up will discuss how differently a divorce can affect the eldest, middle and youngest child in a family.
PART 1 – HOW DIVORCE AFFECTS CHILDREN OF DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS.
Adult child (18 years +)
It is a fallacy to think that just because a child is an adult that they will take their parents divorce in their stride and be mature about it. Their reaction can feel very immature and childlike which is why staying together for the children and splitting up when they are older is often not the right thing to do.
An adult child can find it quite shocking when they discover their parents are separating or divorcing. They may find it unstabling, embarrassing or simply they cannot get their head round the fact their parents may find new partners. For most of their life, they have relied on mum and dad. Their parental home where there is stability, safety and is a familiar factor in their life will not be there anymore.
An adult child can find the thought of their parents divorcing overwhelming. They will have many concerns:
- Who will take care of the parent who will be left alone?
- Will the parental house be sold and both parents get separate residences, and if this is the case, which residence will now be known as the parental home?
- There will be sadness as most adults are quite proud that their parents’ marriage lasting for so long and now there is the realisation that it wasn’t so strong in the first place.
Late teens (16 – 18 years)
This is the age where teens take their most important academic qualifications (GCSEs and A Level) that affect the rest of their lives. These qualifications will affect their choice of university or the course they will do if they aspire to go to university. These qualifications will also affect their job prospects because most occupations require basic GCSE English and Maths.
Any upheaval and disruption can have a detrimental effect on their life planning at this stage.
Although late teens will technically be seen as mature because they are more independent, when it comes to the family, they are still children. You as their parents are still their ‘go to’. They are still reliant on you for many things.
It would be unwise to not see the emotional impact on them. The family stability they have known all their life is being eroded. They will have thousands of questions circulating around their heads.
During this time, do not make the mistake you can unload on them, they are not your agony aunt or your counsel, even if you are close and like ‘friends’. Please remember they have their own relationship with the other parent.
Teens (12 – 16 years)
This is the most volatile stage in a child’s life. They are going through so many changes in their life such as growth spurts, puberty changes, social changes, cognitive changes and often emotional changes.
They can find it very difficult to process a divorce and family break down, especially when they need the stability of a home right now. They may take to words like ‘they hate you’ or ‘you are ruining their life’ or ‘you are selfish’.
A teen can be very reactive at the thought of their parents divorcing and will either internalise it, lock themselves away in a room and shun the world, or externalise it and rebel and cause as much disruption as possible. This will be misinterpreted and in essence is actually a cry for help.
If this is the case, speak to your child’s school and inform them of what is going on so they can help. Schools have systems in place to help children going through family breakdown.
Pre-teens (7 – 11 years)
This age group will go through a huge range of emotions during a divorce:
- A great fear that they will never see the non-resident parent again
- A great fear that the resident parent will also leave, thus they will become attached to this parent.
- They will believe they are part of the divorce and they are being divorced because they do not understand what divorce is.
- They may believe they can somehow salvage the family and stop the divorce
- They may start to get angry at one or both parents
- They may start to think that their parents do not care about them.
- They may start to think their parents are not thinking about them.
- They may start to feel angry at the world and start to lash out.
- They may start to get withdrawn, unable to comprehend what is happening and why.
A pre-teen experiencing a family breakdown may feel anxious at leaving the family home in case when they return their parent(s) are not there. They may cry when left at school and if you are late in picking them up, they will automatically assume you have ‘ditched’ them. Most pre-teens will suffer from abandonment issues because one of their parents has left the home and is living elsewhere. They are probably not seeing them as much now and they may not be able to express how much they miss them because they may be busy being angry at them for leaving in the first place.
Mid-teens are going through their terrible teens and their behaviour can be very antagonistic at the best of times. During a family breakup, this can be heightened. As stated above, they will probably feel a lot of anger towards either one or both parents. Sometimes a mid-teen can be in so much anguish that they start to rebel, get into trouble and the school work starts to suffer.
Preschool children (3 – 6 years)
A pre-schooler will want their home to stay exactly as it is and their parents to stay together. The divorce and family break up will confuse them because they will not be able to understand why things cannot be as it is in the Disney movies and in fairyland.
They will have a mixed bag of feelings from being scared to confused to angry. These may result in outbursts, tantrums at nursery, hitting other children and nightmares.
Toddler (2-3 years)
A toddler will feel the tension around the house and the anxiety from their parents because their whole world revolves around them. Their parents are the centre of their world and they may feel they are to blame themselves for what is happening. A toddler may become more restless, demand more attention, demand to sleep with their parents and start to play up more to divert the attention onto them. They may find it difficult to focus on potty training and have a real fear that their parents may leave them. They will start to feel insecure.
Baby (0-1 year)
A baby needs an emotionally secure, happy and peaceful environment to develop and flourish. This will make a baby feel safe.
A divorce can be very stressful and upsetting for both parents. They will often be worried, upset and distracted. A baby, although they cannot understand it, can sense the tension in the home and the conflict between both parents. They can identify stress and anxiety in their parents. Whereas their parents would normally be calm and patient, all of a sudden because their parents are upset, preoccupied with their divorce, they are tired, less tolerant and maybe less attentive. All of these things will have a detrimental effect on the baby and its development. The baby will become clingy, be emotionally unstable, cry more often and be restless.
PART 2 – HOW DIFFERENTLY A DIVORCE CAN AFFECT THE ELDEST, MIDDLE AND YOUNGEST CHILD IN A FAMILY (THE BIRTH RANKING)
THE ELDEST CHILD
The eldest child will experience and remember things quite differently to the youngest child, and that is compounded even further by their age.
The eldest child may feel it is their duty to look out for their younger siblings who may be frightened at what is happening. They will shield them from arguments and stress and think they need to be the protector of their family. However, while they are looking out for their younger siblings they are not processing their own feelings. Please remember their relationship with their sibling is not for you to take advantage of, your eldest child is not your running mate.
Your eldest child will be angry that, as they are starting their own life and gaining independence, they are now distracted and worrying about their own family breaking up and what will happen to everybody.
THE MIDDLE CHILD
Having spoken to quite a few ‘middle’ children in birth ranking who have experienced divorce, the most common thing they all wanted was to keep the family ties and the family functional in some sort of way during and after the divorce. The majority of middle children just want harmony, peace and for everyone to get along afterwards if the divorce happens.
The second thing that was expressed was that many ‘middle’ children felt that they were secure going along with what their elder siblings were saying or what their parents were saying. They trusted their take on things and to sort everything out. Middle children want to help ease the heartache of a divorce but often don’t know how to and can be left just with the hope that it will all be okay.
It is very easy to assume that a parental divorce has little effect on a middle child because they may be quiet and observant but many go on to suffer from depression, lack of confidence, low grades and a feeling of complete instability.
THE YOUNGEST CHILD
The youngest child in any family will always be the baby of the family and often the one considered to be the most ‘protected’ or should be ‘protected’ no matter what their age. Everyone will be so busy trying to ‘protect’ the youngest child that it is very easy to overlook that they may need answers and may need to have some understanding of what is going on. They may want to feel informed and have their emotions dealt with.
Often the youngest child will feel dismissed during a family break up because everybody is too busy trying to ‘protect’ them. They may also feel that they are not being included in the decisions.