The Importance of Co-Parenting for you
and your Children
THE BENEFITS OF CO-PARENTING
The famous saying goes, ‘it takes a whole community to bring up a child’, so why do it all by yourself? If your ex-partner does not have a negative effect on the children and there is no domestic violence in the marriage/relationship, then share the load of bringing up the children. There is no benefit to you or your children to hold onto grudges and make your ex-partner suffer by keeping the children away from them.
Another famous saying I found was ‘love your child more than you hate your ex-partner’. This saying evokes a great deal of thought and soul searching because it is so true and will keep you on the right path.
A divorce does not stop you being a devoted parent and understanding that your child needs both parents, not just one of you. What a lot of parents fail to grasp during and after a divorce is that there are a lot of benefits of co-parenting amicably both for you and your children –
- The load of bringing up your children is divided between the both of you.
- You ex-partner can take care of the children if you need a night off. They can also take the children for a few days to give you a break to do other things.
- Your ex-partner can act as a back-up person when it comes to discipline.
- If you stay amicable with your ex-partner and their family, you may have access to more family members who may want to contribute time and finances towards the children.
- Your children will probably stick to bedtimes, homework schedules, phone, and computer use if both of you show a united front.
TIPS FOR CO-PARENTING SUCCESSFULLY
- Work as a team. Over a cup of tea or lunch, have a fortnightly or monthly ‘co-parenting’ meeting with your ex-partner to discuss the children and update each other. Only stick to discussing the children.
- Keep all adult-focused discussions away from the children.
- Share a family WhatsApp between you, your ex-partner, and the children so you can all talk together and remind each other of events coming up.
- Share an online family calendar that all of you can access.
- Do not let your children play you and your ex-partner against each other so they can take advantage.
- If your child says something that your ex-partner has agreed to, check with your ex-partner first.
- Make sure your children do not become an intermediary or messenger between you and your ex-partner.
- Please understand it is okay to not agree on some issues. One of you may be stricter than the other or more flexible on bedtimes. It is best to agree on the main issues but try to find a compromise and be more understanding on other issues.
- Do not undermine each other in front of the children.
- If ever you are angry with your ex-partner, do not ask the children to take sides or choose between you both. This will be very traumatising for the children.
- Encourage the children to celebrate any special events that are specific for the other parent/your ex-partner, such as Mothers Day or Fathers Day.
- If at any time one of you is busy, with work for example, try and communicate with each other so that the other parent can be accommodating and flexible. This way, the children get time and attention from both parents. This is an example of being fluid with each other for the best interest of the children. However, there is a balance and it works both ways.
PUT A PARENTING PLAN IN PLACE
A parenting plan is also called a co-parenting plan. It is the same thing. When you are divorcing it may be prudent to put a parenting plan in place. This can be done directly between yourselves or through mediation and is not legally binding. You and your ex-partner can also go through the court process and get a child arrangements court order which is more or less the same thing but it is legally binding. Both a parenting plan and a child arrangements court order detail each parent’s practical responsibilities towards the children. They seem very clinical but in the long run it helps both parents to be clear on what is required of them, what their duties towards the children are, and remind them what they have agreed to.
The parenting plan can contain information such as –
- Day to day living arrangements for the children.
- Weekend arrangements for the children.
- Issues regarding schooling and fees.
- Healthcare issues.
- The religion the child will follow.
- Time spent with the children.
- Maintenance payments.
- Holiday and half-term arrangements.
- Physical and emotional wellbeing of the children.
- Communicating with the children via phone and email.
- Special days of the year – Religious events (Christmas e.g.), Birthdays, Fathers Day, Mothers Day.
- Grandparents on both sides and wider family.
- New partners.
- Passports and time abroad.
IF YOU CAN’T AGREE ON A PARENTING PLAN
If you and your ex-partner cannot agree on a parenting plan, then please try mediation. They will be impartial and help both of you to come to some sort of agreement. For a nominal fee, a mediator can write this parenting plan into a draft consent agreement to send to the court to formalise/approve into a legally binding consent order/court order.
LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE ON MEDIATION
If you both cannot agree after mediation, you can apply to the family court for a child arrangements order using form C100 and go through the court process. Please remember this most probably will be expensive, traumatic and time consuming.