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I AM L.I.P

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Alienating Behaviours

 

For the purpose of this website, we are referring to alienating behaviours in terms of when one parent disrupts the relationship between their ex-partner and their child when there are no issues of concern, such as a need to safeguard the child from abuse

It is important to look at alienating behaviours as it is one of the markers Cafcass uses when looking at child custody issues. This is not to be confused with parental alienation. 

Before you read this webpage on alienating behaviours, please find below the definition of some words and terms we will use in this write-up.

  1. THE RESIDENT PARENT – A resident parent is the parent the child lives with most of the time during the week. Another name for a resident parent is a custodial parent.
  2. THE NON-RESIDENT PARENT – A non-resident parent is the parent that moves out of the family home and starts to live elsewhere. They do not live with the child. Another name for a non-resident parent is non-custodial parent or absent parent. 
  3. THE ALIENATING PARENT – The alienating parent is the parent who is committing the alienating behaviours.
  4. THE TARGETED PARENT – The targeted parent is the parent the alienating behaviour is against.

WHAT DOES THE TERM ‘ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS’ REFER TO?

It is when an alienating parent (often the resident parent) does things to prevent the child and the targeted parent (usually the non-resident parent) from seeing and communicating with each other. These actions will sabotage their relationship and prevent it from developing further (where there is not a safeguarding issue).

Cafcass (the children and family court advisory and support service) defines alienating behaviours as the “unjustifiable hostility and resistance of a child towards one parent as a result of the psychological manipulation by the other parent”. 

Unjustified alienating behaviours are a form of child abuse and a breach of the child’s human rights.

LINK TO CAFCASS WEBPAGE FOR ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS.

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE TO CAFCASS

WHAT ARE EXAMPLES OF ALIENATING BEHAVIOUR?

Possible examples of alienating behaviours are:

  1. The alienating parent asking a child which parent is more fun.
  2. Deliberately informing a child about the negative details of a separation or divorce, especially where the targeted parent is at fault.
  3. The alienating parent asking a child to keep secrets from the targeted parent as a way to bond with the child.
  4. The alienating parent making up stories about abuse and violence against the targeted parent. 
  5. The alienating parent informs a child that they cannot have something or participate in something because of the targeted parent.
  6. The alienating parent encourages a child to argue with the targeted parent.
  7. Talking negatively about the targeted parent in front of the child.
  8. Scaring the child about the targeted parent.
  9. Using the child to side with the alienating parent against the targeted parent.
  10. The alienating parent does not pass on gifts, messages, and letters to the child from the targeted parent (unless the messages are abusive). 
  11. The alienating parent constantly undermines the targeted parent in front of the child.
  12. The alienating parent encourages a child to believe the targeted parent does not love or care for them.
  13. The alienating parent makes contact between the child and the targeted parent very difficult.
  14. The alienating parent does not inform the targeted parent about the child’s medical issues, appointments, and sports days, to name a few. 

WHAT ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS ARE NOT?

It is a misconception that whenever a child does not want to have contact with a parent, it is because of alienating behaviours. Most of the time, it is not. Here are SOME examples of when it is NOT alienating behaviours.

  1. When a child naturally enjoys spending time with one parent (often the resident parent) – In this case, the child does not have any hostility towards the other parent (usually the non-resident parent) but may prefer the resident parent because of the amount of time the non-resident parent has been absent from the child’s life. This is also where the child has spent most of their life (where their friends, school, comfort zone etc. is), so they are more comfortable there.
  2. When a child is attached to the resident parent due to their own reasons – The child may have developed separation anxiety or may have abandonment issues which have made them more attached to the resident parent, and they do not wish to be away from the resident parent. 
  3. The non-resident parent may have abused or hurt the child – In this case, the child will be naturally scared to go anywhere near the non-resident parent. If the resident parent is aware, they may be seeking a court order from the family court restricting the access of the non-resident parent to the child. 
  4. The child may have witnessed the non-resident parent abuse or hurt the resident parent – It is very painful for a child to experience their parents arguing and bickering. There is even more trauma when a child witnesses abuse and violence between the parents. 

HOW CAN CAFCASS HELP A PARENT WITH CHILD CONTACT IF ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS ARE GOING ON?

When an application is submitted to the family court regarding contact with a child, the court always informs Cafcass and, depending upon the application and the case, they get involved.   

Regarding child contact and alienating behaviours, Cafcass follows a guideline called CIAF. CIAF is short for child impact assessment framework. This framework helps Cafcass officers identify and report alienating behaviours.

LINK TO CAFCASS WEBPAGE FOR CHILD IMPACT ASSESSMENT FRAMEWORK

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE TO CAFCASS

Cafcass will listen to a targeted parent’s concerns about alienating behaviours. The targeted parent should express this during a Cafcass interview or telephone call. Cafcass will take it seriously and investigate.

HOW DO CAFCASS OFFICERS USE CIAF?

As stated above, Cafcass officers will use CIAF (child impact assessment alienation) to help determine why a child rejects a parent. Cafcass needs to decide whether or not it is because of alienating behaviours or if there are other issues which are making the child behave this way.

If a child rejects a parent, Cafcass will determine whether justifiable reasons exist for this rejection. If there are no justifiable reasons for the child’s behaviour, then Cafcass will consider if alienating behaviours are behind the child’s behaviour. 

To ascertain if alienating behaviours are happening, Cafcass will try and find answers to many questions. A few examples of these questions are: 

  1. Is the conflict between both parents causing damage to the child?
  2. Is there harm being caused to the child due to coercive control by one of the parents?

LINK TO OUR L.I.P HELP GUIDE FOR COERCIVE CONTROL

  1. Is there harm being caused to the child due to domestic abuse?
  2. Is there a good reason the child refuses to have contact or is negative about one of the parents?  

HOW CAN A TARGETED PARENT COUNTERACT ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS?

If a targeted parent feels that the other parent is alienating their child from having contact and a relationship with them, there are some things they can do. They are:

  1. STAY CALM – If a child refuses to have any contact with or if they talk negatively about the targeted parent, then it is vital that the targeted parent remains calm at all times, no matter how difficult it is. The targeted parent should know that the other parent is brainwashing the child, so, therefore, the child is not at fault. By staying calm, the targeted parent will be able to think clearly and be able to focus on what to do to get the relationship with the child back on track. 
  2. DO NOT REACT AND LASH OUT – This is very important. Any reaction from the targeted parent could scare the child and may ‘confirm’ what the other parent has been saying. The child could also get more upset and confused, causing them to withdraw further from the targeted parent.
  3. DO NOT WALK AWAY – Sometimes, a targeted parent may just give up and walk away. There are many reasons for this stance. Some are:
    • The whole episode of child contact is traumatic and has a detrimental effect on their health.
    • The targeted parent cannot financially afford child contact proceedings.
    • The targeted parent may think that by walking away, their child will not have to choose between both parents.
    • The targeted parent may think that by walking away, their child will not experience any more hostility and it may be in the best interest of the child. 

However, by walking away, the targeted parent is depriving the child of the love and care of a second parent.

  1. MAKE DETAILED NOTES – Write down all the dates, times and full details about what your child said or did. A comprehensive timeline of events will show and prove to the court (if you choose to go down this route) that alienating behaviours are happening.  

REMEMBER ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS CAN BE BOTH CONSCIOUS AND UNCONSCIOUS

Not all alienating behaviours are intentional. Sometimes it can be happening unintentionally without the resident parent realising the damaging effect of their behaviour on the child. Some examples are:

  1. The resident parent speaks negatively about the non-resident parent with friends on the phone and they are unaware the child can hear.
  2. Whenever the resident parent gets emotional and upset about issues, they have a habit of moaning in front of the child about the non-resident parent.
  3. The resident parent has a habit of constantly blaming everything that goes wrong on the non-resident parent in front of the child. 
  4. The resident parent uses the non-resident parent as an easy excuse to say no to the child whenever the child asks for anything or needs to be disciplined.

Even though the above 4 scenarios are not intentional, the resident parent still has a responsibility to be aware of the effect of their behaviour on the child and not to alienate the child from the non-resident parent. Please remember ignorance is not an excuse.

WHAT IS THE EFFECT OF ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS ON A CHILD?

Generally speaking, alienating behaviours occur during a divorce. It can have both short term and long term effects on a child’s wellbeing. Both are detrimental in their own way and they do overlap. 

SHORT-TERM EFFECTS

  1. The child starts to ‘hate’ and reject the targeted parent.
  2. The child can start to move away from the targeted parent’s family.
  3. The child becomes desensitised to the targeted parent’s feelings.
  4. The child only focuses on the negative aspects of the targeted parent.
  5. The child speaks negatively about the targeted parent.
  6. The child refuses contact with the targeted parent.
  7. The child can start to degrade the targeted parent in front of others. 

LONG-TERM EFFECTS

  1. A child can suffer from trust issues.
  2. There will be a negative effect on a child’s mental health.
  3. The child can suffer from anxiety, depression and confusion.
  4. The child can have abandonment issues if the targeted parent leaves.

WHAT CAN A COURT DO IF AN ALIENATING PARENT IS FOUND GUILTY OF ALIENATING BEHAVIOURS?

The family court may do the following:

  1. The court can remove the child from the alienating parent and order the child to live with the targeted parent.
  2. The court can restrict the alienating parent’s contact with the child.
  3. The court could find the alienating parent has been in contempt of court.
  4. In extreme cases, the court could prosecute the alienating parent for child abuse because alienating behaviours is now considered a form of child abuse.