Getting back into the world of dating after coming out of a relationship can be difficult. Whether it has been a few decades, a few years, or a few months, getting back into the dating game can feel unnatural or strange. But it can also be exciting.
Despite most people eventually finding themselves in a place where they’re ready to get back out there, re-igniting those feelings can be scary, especially if their previous relationship was full of distrust, control or excessive conflict.
1. Go at your own pace
There’s no rush to find a new partner. It’s your life and you can go at whatever pace feels the best and most comfortable for you. It can be nerve wracking opening up to someone new.
Some people are ready to jump straight into the dating scene, but some take years. Take however long you need.
2. Be comfortable and happy with yourself first
Finding a new partner is not about filling a potential vacancy in your life. It’s about finding someone who will enhance your life. Someone to be happy with.
Going in with the correct mindset is essential to the success of building a connection. Go in with the idea of finding a partnership rather than someone to be completely dependant on.
They are not there to complete you. You are your own whole, complete person.
Go read our article on falling love with yourself to help you on your journey to self love.
3. Go into the experience with set objectives
Before you go on your dates, it’s good to have a set of objectives. This can help you figure out whether or not your date is the one for you whilst making sure you’re having fun in the process. Here’s a few to remember –
- Find out as much as you can about the other person – this seems like an obvious one since the whole point of a date is to get to know the other person, but it’s important to try and find out as much as you can if you’re looking for a long term connection. Short term pleasure is great if that’s what you want out of the date, but to find a partner – find out who they are, what they like to do, their goals. This will help you find out how compatible you are and whether your visions for life are similar.
- Find someone just as interested in you – A relationship is all about balance. There needs to be an equal give and take, with both sides contributing and putting effort into the relationship. Of course this is only the first date, but if you’re the only one actively asking questions and trying to learn about the other person then it’s a pretty big red flag.
- Find someone to laugh with and have meaningful chats – Life can be difficult at times, it’s important to find someone who can laugh with you and lift your spirits when you need it most. Laughter is necessary for living a healthy and happy life, and sharing it with your closest person only makes it that much better. But finding someone who can also do the opposite and have meaningful deep conversation with you is important. Learning about each other on a deeper, more serious level with mutual respect.
Write down some more objectives for your dates so you can have a clearer idea of what you want!
4. Don’t hide your feelings
You might think that you shouldn’t talk about such things. Your issues with trust. The anxiety and fear you feel of getting back into a relationship. Whatever it is, many fall into the mindset that they should just get over it by themselves because their potential partners won’t want to be with them. But this is one of the worst things you can do.
As well as letting the feelings get worse, not expressing them out loud can blind you to the reality of your new relationship. It can be hard to determine what is ‘just in your mind’ and what is a red flag.
Your issues with trust are a consequence of past relationships. They aren’t something you were born with. It can be unlearned. Use your past experiences as a guide to establishing boundaries and communicating clearly with your new partner.
Don’t hide a part of yourself in fear. Your feelings are valid. Realising this will open up the possibility of healing for yourself.
Which leads on to one of the most important parts of a new relationship…
5. Communication is key
Keeping your partner informed is important. It’s natural that you’d only want to show the good parts of yourself to your date, but this can be a pretty strong motivator to repress your feelings and pretend as if they aren’t there in the first place.
Doing this only lets them fester and get worse. Think of it like this – A broken pot is leaking bright green liquid. Rather than dealing with it, you shut it away in a box and leave it in the corner of the room, hoping the problem will go away. Instead, the liquid keeps leaking, making the box grow brighter and brighter. The longer the box sits there, the brighter the glow gets until, at some point, you’ll have no choice but to face the problem.
If you don’t confront your feelings, they will grow bigger and bigger until eventually they force their way out.
It might seem scary and the conversation may go down roads that you don’t want to revisit, but it will lead to you finding a new and exciting path. One that will make you feel safe and secure in your new relationship.
Remember this! If the person you’re talking to doesn’t respect your issues, they’re probably not the best person for you.
6. Judge if your new partner can be trusted by talking to trusted people around you.
Sometimes it can be great to confide in friends and family if you don’t feel able to judge your potential partner’s character properly.
Having an outside perspective is useful since you can get trusted opinions on your potential partner without any emotions involved. Whilst you should definitely listen to how you feel, your friends can give you different perspectives and pick up on things you might not.
If you feel like you can’t make an accurate judgement since you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, your friends and family can definitely be a big help.
7. Remember to have fun
A lot of people forget that this is supposed to be a fun experience. It doesn’t have to be serious all the time.
Meeting new people is good for the soul. Coming across people from all walks of life and getting to know them, whether you feel a spark or not, can be fun. It also gets you out of the house more often to get some much needed time around other people. Being by yourself after a divorce can be isolating, so don’t forget to enjoy yourself when you’re out and about.
There will be disappointment involved – go into it with an open mind and don’t feel too down if they don’t end up being the one. It’s all part of the process. You might even find a new platonic friend to have fun with on your journey to love.
8. Remember to trust yourself
When you come out of a bad relationship, it can be easy to beat yourself up. Questioning yourself –
Why didn’t I see the signs? How could I be so naive?
Seeds of self-doubt may have been sown. But now it’s time to rebuild that trust and love back into yourself. We tend to be overly critical of ourselves, and it’s at times like this when you need to be easy on yourself. You’re human. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself.
Become your biggest supporter instead of your worst critic.
This links back to the importance of communication. If your partner is aware of your feelings, you can figure out how to make each other feel safe and secure going forward.
Let us know how you got back into the dating scene and your dating experiences on our forum and social media!
